dark thoughts today.
hope i make it through.
I had saved the petals from every flower he’d ever given me.
I looked at them today and they made me cry…
So I threw them out.
He’ll never notice, anyways.
It sneaked up on me.
I sat here, disappointed that I wouldn’t be at work the day after your confrontation. A part of me thinks that you’ll think that I’m hiding from you— that somehow you’ll think you have that much power over me…
I wondered where the thought had come from. It seemed quite random. After all, I’m feeling twinges in my shoulders, pain in my neck and ribs, and even the occasional dizzy spell. Honestly, I am sad and irritated that my body has decided to turn against me like this. I mean, really? I feed it chocolate as often as I can- what did I do to deserve this?
Regardless, I sat here looking for distraction and you came to mind. And then I began to physically shake. You reminded me of so many before you…
Maureen said my hair made her head hurt. She made sure to storm up to me with barely contained rage and her finger pointed while announcing what she needed to get off her chest. Once purged, she’d stalk off, leaving me wondering where the heck that had come from.
—Just like you did.
Derek thought that I was too smart—made him feel dumb when I could answer a question that he couldn’t. He did the same, but always threw in a kick and punch for good measure.
Thank you for not resorting to that. It could have been awkward.
Tina always came as part of a group. Audiences have never really been my thing so that always made it tougher to laugh off. The occasional slap happened, but she eventually grew bored so at least I didn’t have to deal with her through high school.
Apparently, you didn’t like that I was doing my job, and I’m sorry that you were so tired that you couldn’t see it. I’m sorry that you apparently took an innocent comment from a fellow associate and put whatever exhausted spin on it. I’ve been tired enough that I’ve needed to take a step back and take another look at a moment in time to make sure I’ve interpreted things correctly.
You really needed to do that.
I’ve always enjoyed working with you, so you know. I’ll confess that I’ve been intimidated by you in the past. You displayed a confidence that I was a tad bit jealous of… you were all sorts of awesome.
I’m looking at you differently.
One moment was all it took for my impression to change.
My eyes have been opened and I know what you are now…
… And it makes me sad.
did you know that having an anxiety attack is no fun at all…
can’t sit still, trying to walk it off, but need to focus on something at the same time.
perhaps i should get my fat, lazy ass off this fuckin’ chair and do some dishes— or fold laundry— or maybe write something other than this drivel.
maybe i should stop fixating on my fucking wrist and get up!
… maybe i should just…
I woke up this morning and sat on the edge of my bed.
My feet dangled, not touching the floor, and I felt like a little girl trying to play grown up.
I’ve decided I don’t like being a grown up.
i am an emotionally abused woman.
apparently truth comes to people in different mediums.
mine came in fucking fan fiction.
thimbles. i don’t know if i should thank you or hate you.
Are you being emotionally abused?
Do you have to get permission to socialize with your friends?
Are you accused of cheating on him when you leave the house to do errands, etc.?
Are you afraid to talk about certain topics unless he’s in a good mood?
Does he have control over the money and monitor your spending?
Does he tell you no one else would ever want you?
Does he threaten to harm himself if you leave him?
Does he go through your purse or open your mail?
Does he make disparaging remarks about the way you look or dress?
Does he use things against you that you’ve confided to him in the past?
Does he sabotage your efforts to be involved in pleasant social or family events?
Does he compare you negatively to other women?
Are you nervous about being on the phone when he is around?
Is it okay to return home later than scheduled without being fearful?
Does it feel more like you have a dad than a partner?
Does he give you the ‘silent treatment’ when you want to talk or work things out?
Does he try to turn the children against you?
Do you feel manipulated by his kindness or gifts?
Do you feel obligated to be sexual with your partner?
Are your activities and interests looked upon as unimportant and trivial?
Does he sabotage your schedule and outside commitments? ***
seventeen years of marriage, four children, and too many yeses to be okay.
i think i’m at an end.